After more fruitless searching, I stumbled across this article from WP Tavern which mentioned a plugin then called “WP Local Dev Environment,” now called Airplane Mode. The plugin blocks a long list of things that WordPress does which require checking something from the Internet.
While it is intended to be toggled on or off depending on whether you have a connection, I can use it in perpetual “on” mode on my internal network sites. After enabling, pages that were taking 15-30 seconds to load now load almost instantaneously. BRILLIANT!
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