So I figured out the problem, or at least to an extent, and it involves the invocation of the global keyword. This works well in other contexts/functions, but for some reason (I am still unclear as to why), dbDelta does not like it. I can get away with it in other functions that do not use dbDelta (such as basic queries), but yes, this….so anyhow, if anyone ends up dealing with a dbDelta issue, well, hopefully this might save someone else some time down the line….
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