Why is setlocale() returning false on WPEngine?

The issue with setlocale() is not the function itself. It is that WPEngine only has English language locales installed (the complete list is below) and cannot realistically install any other locales. Because I needed to just print some Spanish language dates (not change the entire WordPress installation to Spanish), I wound up creating an array of the date strings in question and writing a function that parses them if necessary (or sends the result to strftime()):

The array is here:

https://gist.github.com/murdaugh/6734488

The function is here (it gets called just like strftime()):

https://gist.github.com/murdaugh/6735164

And this is the complete list of WPEngine Locales:

en_AG
en_AU.utf8
en_BW.utf8
en_CA.utf8
en_DK.utf8
en_GB.utf8
en_HK.utf8
en_IE.utf8
en_IN
en_NG
en_NZ.utf8
en_PH.utf8
en_SG.utf8
en_US.utf8
en_ZA.utf8
en_ZW.utf8